Weekly Assignments: Are the Vikings Good or Great?
Each week, our staffers are given 3 to 4 games to breakdown for our readers – something we like to call our Weekly Assignments. Some are shorter than others, but they’re all equally fantastic. And hey, you may even learn a thing or two. Let’s roll into Week 6:
Chris Hayre (CH), Mark Rogers (MR), Pat Greissing (PG), Veronica James (VJ)
Houston at Cincinnati: The Bengals are 4-1 and have been a part of some of the most thrilling finishes on the young season, yet it took a corporate sponsor and their star receiver to prevent this week’s game against the Texans from being blacked out. Come on Bengal fans, are you not entertained?? (CH) Pick: Bengals
Detroit at Green Bay: Two historic NFC North franchises do battle on (in Chris Berman’s voice) the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field. Ever wondered what tundra means? According to dictionary.com: (noun) “A treeless area between the icecap and the tree line of Arctic regions, having a permanently frozen subsoil and supporting low-growing vegetation such as lichens, mosses, and stunted shrubs.” Anyways, the Lions are still hapless and the Packers couldn’t block a sled. Even with both teams struggling, the Packers have the superior talent. (MR) Pick: Packers
Baltimore at Minnesota: Brett Favre says this is the best team he has played on. Does Favre realize three of his team’s victories came against lousy teams that have combined to win 2 games? One came against a team with a UFL offensive line (Green Bay) and another against a team that lost its best offensive threat early in the game (49ers). So essentially you may have beaten one playoff caliber team so far. And now you have Ray Lewis and Ed Reed coming to town and they love to shut people up. Mr. Wrangler, if this team is the best you’ve been a part of then prove me wrong. I don’t think you will. (PG) Pick: Ravens
New York Giants at New Orleans: When I was in high school trying to find my sports identity (like every other 16 year old female), I asked my boyfriend at the time which team he thought was going to dominate the season so I could devoutly root for them. (Note: I had taken hiatus from the 9ers…they weren’t giving me any reason to get up in the morning). He told me to adopt the Giants. I immediately went to Sport Chalet like any dedicated fan and bought two NYG t-shirts, a hoodie and a hat. I think they went 6-10, my boyfriend and I broke up and Jesse Palmer went on to be the next Bachelor. I know the Saints are on fire right now, but I don’t have a Saints hat, so come Sunday 10am PDT, I’ll be wearing a Giants hoodie, over two team t-shirts and rooting for Eli. (VJ) Pick: Giants
Cleveland at Pittsburgh: Something doesn’t seem right with the World Champs. They’ve played sloppy all season and it almost cost them last week against the Lions. The Browns visit Heinz Field this Sunday fresh off their first win of the season in which their quarterback went 2-17!! The Steelers may fall asleep at the wheel again this week, but it won’t matter – Cleveland’s that bad. (CH) Pick: Steelers
Carolina at Tampa Bay: It’s amazing how quickly fortunes change. In 2008, these teams were fighting for a playoff spot. In 2009, they’re fighting for the rights to the number #1 pick in the draft. Combined, these teams only have one win through five weeks. Last year: 21 wins. They may as well remove this game from the DirecTV Sunday Ticket lineup. The time it takes me to scroll over the channel is already too much time wasted. (MR) Pick: Tie
Kansas City at Washington: What is normally the difference when two bad teams play each other?? The answer: one has more heart and desire to win than the other. This is a perfect example of it. The Chiefs might not be the most talented team, but they showed me they have heart and desire against the Cowboys last week. The Skins have yet to show me anything other than the ability to show up and collect a paycheck. (PG) Pick: Chiefs
St. Louis at Jacksonville: Not only are the Rams 0-5, but Rush Limbaugh wants to buy them?! Ha! They’re better off selling the team to Britney Spears. Or a stick of dynamite. If St. Louis can actually get the ball into the end zone, it looks like this is the week that will keep them from skunk-6. Jacksonville got their tight pants HANDED to them in a Starbucks cup against Seattle last Sunday, turning Del Rio’s hot seat into an open flame, similar to those flaming from the sun. These two packs of awesomeness will be playing for nothing more than dignity (and job-security) this week. You know what else is awesome? I was at some over-the-top Italian restaurant the other night and couldn’t for the life of me understand the 150 year old foreign waiter who was rattling off the specials. He mentioned some sort of fish that sounded good, so when he was finished I said, “I’ll take the Spagnuolo.” The waiter (and the dude I was with) just stared at me. I look back and them, “I thought it was one of the specials?” The dude goes, “The coach of the Rams?” My bad. Apparently I meant to say some Seabass called Spigola. Po-tay-to. Po-tah-to. (VJ) Pick: Rams
Arizona at Seattle: When the Seahawks are at home with Matt Hasselbeck under center, they are very difficult to beat. But when Matt Hasselbeck’s mom is in the house, forget about it. The Seahawks QB tweeted this week: “My mom is in town for the game. Seahawks 16-0 with her at Qwest since 2002. Pretty legit.” (CH) Pick: Seahawks
Philadelphia at Oakland: The Eagles travel to the Black Hole this weekend to take on the Raiders. With all these ugly jerseys now sprouting up around the league, don’t you think we should dress the Raiders in pink? Not the Breast Cancer Awareness pink, but powder-puff pink. You know, girls tackle football. I can just hear the commentators now: “The Raiders look absolutely fabulous Michael in their Donna Karan Pink Pants. Oh, meeeowww.” Hello Oakland, aren’t you the “Team of the Decades”? Just because Al Davis was in Oakland before Columbus got here doesn’t mean he can run a football team, right? Anyways, this game will be over after the Eagles get off the bus. What’s the spread? 48? (MR) Pick: Eagles
Tennessee at New England: My Bump and Run boss has picked Tennessee almost every week. One week they will get it done for you boss, but not this time. (PG) Pick: Patriots
Buffalo at New York Jets: Buffalo lost 3-6 to Cleveland last week? I’m pretty sure there was a soccer game somewhere in the world that was higher scoring and more exciting. (Oh yea, I went there). The Jets allowed 406 yards against the Dolphins Monday and wouldn’t have been able to stop the Wildcat if they had 125 men on the field holding riffles and shields. They were awful. Lucky for them this week, the Bills offense is awfuler (making English teacher’s proud: It’s a full time job). (VJ) Pick: Jets
Chicago at Atlanta: The difference in this game is Atlanta just has more playmakers than the Bears do. Cutler and Forte can keep it close into the second half but the Falcons will take over late in the 3rd quarter. (PG) Pick: Falcons
Denver at San Diego: So maybe Denver is a little more legit than I gave them credit for. And by a little more legit, I mean a LOT more legit. More importantly, how do I get a chance to meet and possibly marry Josh McDaniels? I need to get him to notice me. Maybe if I tore across the field on a Segway?? I’d do it. Provided I get to wear a pair Denver’s socks from last week. And a coonskin hat. (VJ) Pick: Broncos
